Reverse Road Rage

There are a few things I am certain about in life: (1) Maroon 5 would kill for the new Olly Murs song, Troublemaker. (2) Flashcards are the greatest use of paper known to man. And (3) The only thing uglier than road rage is a tuna fish with a mustache.

I’ve never understood road rage. Nothing says “You best believe I’m willing to get in an accident over this feud” better than angrily tailing someone’s butt. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of indignant moments when someone does something utterly pointless like speed up when they see I’m trying to slide into their lane. It’s so infuriating because its so trivial. Why bother to do that other than to be rude?

But the outraged yelling, the hand gestures, the maniacal driving in response to being cut off…It’s just too much. If you can do something really impressive with that anger, like turning into the Hulk or something, then I guess you have good reason to show it off. I personally can’t pull off the intimidating green giant look, so instead I tend to make light of the situation and sarcastically compliment them on their creative driving. “Well done, I’m sure your parents have been waiting all your life for you to evolve into the dauntless driver that you are. See you at the next stop light!” “Wow, did not see you coming without your blinker there. You’re wise to use the element of surprise; I’ve heard it also works remarkably well when sneaking up on angry bears.”

As fellow drivers, we all know how nice it is when someone gives you a break and lets you take that left turn you’ve been waiting for hours to make. (And as people behind those people waiting to take left turns for hours, we also know how nice it can be). So why don’t we do it more often? That’s why I’m making it a goal to reverse the road rage. Stopping just short of delivering smoothies to passing vehicles or hanging banners from highway signs in honor of good drivers, I’ve decided to commit myself to something that involves less banana/mango-to-windshield collisions and doesn’t require Jackie Chan’s climbing skills. While I ordinarily do my best to let the majority of people I see go ahead, I’m aiming to let 10 drivers go all during one commute. If you too feel like making the roadways a better place, join me in my venture to bring traffic to a standstill everywhere while everyone tries to let everyone else go ahead of them. Everyone, of course, except the guy driving the massive tank, who’s planning on taking that turn regardless of whether or not you yield.